Little Shoulder Devil

“Where ever I am, I always find myself looking out the window, wishing I was somewhere else.” – Angelina Jolie

After that Black Friday, this friend of my fiance was with us basically everyday. He spent the night at our house numerous times, and our friendship was really starting to grow. I knew there was something dark inside him, he had a major drug problem, and holding down a job was not something he was capable of doing. He was simply no good. After over 3 years with my fiance though, I was longing for someone to give me that attention, the butterflies and compliments. On the inside of my relationship with my fiance, it seemed like everything was great; the sexual tension between the other guy & I had led to mind-blowing sex with my fiance.

Those three weeks following Thanksgiving, I was riddled with overwhelming anxiety. I had constant panic attack, I wasn’t eating, and I was vomiting up stomach acid. My guilt had never been so strong. I literally thought my body was rotting from the inside out because of the ideas in my head, and the lines I had crossed. I had not physically touched this other man, but everything else was there, and we were hiding it from my fiance. It was getting out of control, but I had no idea how to stop, or if I even wanted to. I was stressing myself out beyond repair. My mother was present for a couple of my panic attacks, she witnessed my puking, and the emotions that were driving me insane. She looked at me on December 18th, and stated, “You’re pregnant.”

I didn’t want to hear that. I was not planning on having children anytime soon, I was diagnosed with PCOS at 18, and honestly ruled out babies in my future. Now I’m 21, engaged, the wedding 4 months away, and I’m falling into Lust with another man. Another man, who was my fiance’s BEST FRIEND, and BEST MAN in our upcoming wedding. My head wasn’t clear, and I knew I was on my way to crushing at least one heart. The day my mom told me she thought I was pregnant, I went and bought a pregnancy test out of curiosity. I’d taken a million of them since I was 16, it wasn’t a big deal. They all came back with the same result. I set it aside, and reminded myself to pee on it, first thing in the morning.

I went to sleep that night, and had the most vivid dream. It sounds ridiculous, but this tiny voice coming from inside my stomach had told me, “Don’t forget to take the test.” I woke up, weirded out, and headed for the bathroom. I peed on the stick, and set it aside, I knew I had lost my mind, my body was following suit and playing tricks on me.

My fiance was at work, my mom was hanging out in the other room. I waited on the toilet until I thought the test would be done cooking.

I reached for it, and immediately went into shock.


I screamed out, “What the F*ck?!”

How did this happen, this was ME, I don’t get pregnant!