Little Shoulder Devil

“Where ever I am, I always find myself looking out the window, wishing I was somewhere else.” – Angelina Jolie

After that Black Friday, this friend of my fiance was with us basically everyday. He spent the night at our house numerous times, and our friendship was really starting to grow. I knew there was something dark inside him, he had a major drug problem, and holding down a job was not something he was capable of doing. He was simply no good. After over 3 years with my fiance though, I was longing for someone to give me that attention, the butterflies and compliments. On the inside of my relationship with my fiance, it seemed like everything was great; the sexual tension between the other guy & I had led to mind-blowing sex with my fiance.

Those three weeks following Thanksgiving, I was riddled with overwhelming anxiety. I had constant panic attack, I wasn’t eating, and I was vomiting up stomach acid. My guilt had never been so strong. I literally thought my body was rotting from the inside out because of the ideas in my head, and the lines I had crossed. I had not physically touched this other man, but everything else was there, and we were hiding it from my fiance. It was getting out of control, but I had no idea how to stop, or if I even wanted to. I was stressing myself out beyond repair. My mother was present for a couple of my panic attacks, she witnessed my puking, and the emotions that were driving me insane. She looked at me on December 18th, and stated, “You’re pregnant.”

I didn’t want to hear that. I was not planning on having children anytime soon, I was diagnosed with PCOS at 18, and honestly ruled out babies in my future. Now I’m 21, engaged, the wedding 4 months away, and I’m falling into Lust with another man. Another man, who was my fiance’s BEST FRIEND, and BEST MAN in our upcoming wedding. My head wasn’t clear, and I knew I was on my way to crushing at least one heart. The day my mom told me she thought I was pregnant, I went and bought a pregnancy test out of curiosity. I’d taken a million of them since I was 16, it wasn’t a big deal. They all came back with the same result. I set it aside, and reminded myself to pee on it, first thing in the morning.

I went to sleep that night, and had the most vivid dream. It sounds ridiculous, but this tiny voice coming from inside my stomach had told me, “Don’t forget to take the test.” I woke up, weirded out, and headed for the bathroom. I peed on the stick, and set it aside, I knew I had lost my mind, my body was following suit and playing tricks on me.

My fiance was at work, my mom was hanging out in the other room. I waited on the toilet until I thought the test would be done cooking.

I reached for it, and immediately went into shock.

“Pregnant.”

I screamed out, “What the F*ck?!”

How did this happen, this was ME, I don’t get pregnant!

Sinking Sand

“Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.” – Jodi Picoult

What happens next in our story is what changed the entire direction of my life. Putting this into words is going to be a process, because trying to convey the amount of heartbreak that was felt at the time, seems impossible. I was given a violent shove into reality, while trying to cope with the aftershock of adult decisions. I know by now the title of my blog, and the contents of my posts aren’t really matching up. Like I said before, I wanted to lay a solid foundation before I start touching on the deep topics, and we’re almost there.

It was September 9th, of 2012, the boyfriend had taken me out to an amazing dinner, then to a movie. I had a feeling something was up because he kept getting weird, and giggling at strange times. The night went on, and it was a pretty perfect date night, we headed home with our leftovers in hand. After sitting up in bed half the night, we ended up getting intimate. When it was over I told him that I needed to pee, and I stood up, half-naked, to put my underwear back on. He was laying on the bed, staring at me like he was up to something, then he took his hand out from underneath a pillow. There it was, a black ring box sitting in his palm. He laughed at me, I’m assuming because he literally got me with my pants down, and he said “I promise to keep you forever, if you marry me.” I fell apart. I was so excited, and without a doubt in my mind, I said “Yes.”

Now, you would think that I’d be smart enough to leave well enough alone, turns out, God had a different idea. Diving right into wedding planning, we set the date for April 20, 2013, so about 6 months or so to get everything ready. We’d already been together for almost 3 years, dragging out an engagement didn’t sound like any fun. Plus, after you graduate high school, finding reasons to celebrate life is difficult. I was the only daughter in my family, and I wanted the show, or at least I thought I did…

 

forest-2745352_1920

 

After we put down the deposit on the venue, and made headway on a majority of planning, a monumental moment occurred at my family Thanksgiving. My fiance received a call from a friend of his, we had spent time with this guy and his wife, and he & my fiance had been friends since they were 12 years old. He sounded upset, so my fiance stepped outside to finish the call. When he enter the room afterwards, he informed me that his friend had told his wife we wanted a divorce. My fiance told him that we would pick him up later to join us in Black Friday shopping, hoping to cheer him up and get him out of the house. My best friend was also coming along that night.

I hate admitting this, but the wave of excitement that came over, me when my fiance told me that this guy and his wife were separating, was terrifying. This was a huge problem, and I could feel it in my soul the moment I found out. The reason being that I had picked up on many strange vibes from him when we were all hanging out. By strange vibes I mean, seductive stares, an over abundance of “accidental brush pasts,” and random smiles when no one was paying attention. I knew there was something behind his behavior, but I didn’t necessarily want it to stop. As attractive as my fiance was, this guy was built like a sex god. I’m not kidding, he oozed sex. Knowing that it was being aimed at me, and I never said anything to my fiance, makes me the most guilty. I am not, in any way, a part of why this married couple separated. I just knew inside that bad things were in the near future, and my conscience was about to be tested.

Medication

“I hope you find someone who calms the storm within your soul.” – R.H. Sin

In the beginning we were so broke it wasn’t even funny. I had been working at the same place since I was 14, and after I graduated I thought I needed more “me time” before college started. Plus, there was this really cute boy waiting for me at home, and I didn’t want to keep him waiting. I quit that job with hardly anything to my name, and he was living like a gypsy before we got together. We always made it though, somehow we found ways to get money together for gas, or a pack of cigarettes. We were just being irresponsible kids, and we had a blast doing it. Life before the real world, and bills, began.

We had a fantastic group of friends, and we all got together and spent nights aimlessly talking around a bonfire, camping, or playing drinking games. None of us got much sleep back then, if we did it was from 8am till 5pm, and we would get up and start again. I don’t remember any other time in my life when things were so carefree and amazing. He and I were living the high life, and it didn’t matter what came our way, or how broke we were, because we had each other.

As the months passed and adulting started to become mandatory, I got a part-time job while I was going to school full-time, and he got a full-time job at a factory. It was pretty great, gave us some time to be apart and miss each other, while having the money to go out and do things on the weekends. We never argued about where to go for dinner, or what movie to go see. Our heads were always in the same place, going the same direction. Not to mention, the sex was absolutely mind-blowing. Like our bodies matched up, and every time we had sex, it was like Christmas. I’d never had more orgasms, or had more fun in bed than I did with him. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner, in more ways than one.

There was one hurdle, that no matter how hard we tried, we could not get over. I could never get him to let his guard down and let me all the way in emotionally, and I was still having trouble controlling my temper. There were nights that we would lay in bed talking about life, and as soon as I would bring up a deep subject, I could feel him withdrawing from the conversation. His childhood wasn’t all puppies and rainbows either, and he suffered the consequences of the things his mother put him through. I’m sure growing up with a diagnosed bipolar mom was never the ideal situation, and he was her favorite puppet to play with. He learned very early in life how to keep himself from getting too hurt, and how to keep his emotions on lock. I didn’t find out until some time after our breakup how much he really loved me, and how deep I actually cut him. I, on the other hand, couldn’t control my mouth if my life depended on it. If I was hurt, or offended, in any way shape of form, I would attack. I didn’t have any hesitation in going straight for the throat every single time. Saying whatever I could to hurt the most, using his past against him, it was second nature. Add that to the million things I regret.

This guy ment everything to me, and even now, almost 6 years later, my heart still aches. The last year of our relationship was something out of a dramatic horror movie. At least that was the way it felt, like everyday was a slow motion nightmare. I’d love to say that I grew stronger after that year was said and done, but it wrecked my head & my heart. Living through the series of events that defined the rest of my life was tough, and healing those wounds takes time, forgiveness, and prayer.