Sinking Sand

“Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.” – Jodi Picoult

What happens next in our story is what changed the entire direction of my life. Putting this into words is going to be a process, because trying to convey the amount of heartbreak that was felt at the time, seems impossible. I was given a violent shove into reality, while trying to cope with the aftershock of adult decisions. I know by now the title of my blog, and the contents of my posts aren’t really matching up. Like I said before, I wanted to lay a solid foundation before I start touching on the deep topics, and we’re almost there.

It was September 9th, of 2012, the boyfriend had taken me out to an amazing dinner, then to a movie. I had a feeling something was up because he kept getting weird, and giggling at strange times. The night went on, and it was a pretty perfect date night, we headed home with our leftovers in hand. After sitting up in bed half the night, we ended up getting intimate. When it was over I told him that I needed to pee, and I stood up, half-naked, to put my underwear back on. He was laying on the bed, staring at me like he was up to something, then he took his hand out from underneath a pillow. There it was, a black ring box sitting in his palm. He laughed at me, I’m assuming because he literally got me with my pants down, and he said “I promise to keep you forever, if you marry me.” I fell apart. I was so excited, and without a doubt in my mind, I said “Yes.”

Now, you would think that I’d be smart enough to leave well enough alone, turns out, God had a different idea. Diving right into wedding planning, we set the date for April 20, 2013, so about 6 months or so to get everything ready. We’d already been together for almost 3 years, dragging out an engagement didn’t sound like any fun. Plus, after you graduate high school, finding reasons to celebrate life is difficult. I was the only daughter in my family, and I wanted the show, or at least I thought I did…




After we put down the deposit on the venue, and made headway on a majority of planning, a monumental moment occurred at my family Thanksgiving. My fiance received a call from a friend of his, we had spent time with this guy and his wife, and he & my fiance had been friends since they were 12 years old. He sounded upset, so my fiance stepped outside to finish the call. When he enter the room afterwards, he informed me that his friend had told his wife we wanted a divorce. My fiance told him that we would pick him up later to join us in Black Friday shopping, hoping to cheer him up and get him out of the house. My best friend was also coming along that night.

I hate admitting this, but the wave of excitement that came over, me when my fiance told me that this guy and his wife were separating, was terrifying. This was a huge problem, and I could feel it in my soul the moment I found out. The reason being that I had picked up on many strange vibes from him when we were all hanging out. By strange vibes I mean, seductive stares, an over abundance of “accidental brush pasts,” and random smiles when no one was paying attention. I knew there was something behind his behavior, but I didn’t necessarily want it to stop. As attractive as my fiance was, this guy was built like a sex god. I’m not kidding, he oozed sex. Knowing that it was being aimed at me, and I never said anything to my fiance, makes me the most guilty. I am not, in any way, a part of why this married couple separated. I just knew inside that bad things were in the near future, and my conscience was about to be tested.

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